AlanC, or "Damn. I shoulda had a V8."

AlanC, so nicknamed because his profile picture looked like a silver foxy version of Alan Cummings, turned out to be decent looking, but in a standard JustAGuy way.  You know how I feel about JustAGuys, Dear Readers, so right away I was ready to run.  He wore non brandwhore jeans and a navy polo, untucked, having apparently missed two memos:  1) This is our FIRST DATE, make a fucking effort; and 2) I dress people for a living.  He was also incredibly socially awkward, in a way that brought me back to my Accounting major days.  Perfect encapsulation of his conversation skills as follows...

Alan: "I manage the portfolios of high net worth individuals." 
Mischa:  What the fuck?  Did you memorize the rest of the brochure, too?

Having said all that, he was a good pool player (I'm a fan of boys who are good at stuff) and skinny.  So, since I'd decided that I didn't like him and wasn't interested in seeing him again, obvs I decided to fuck him.  Might as well get laid, right?

We went to his apartment, conveniently right across the street from the bar.  I'll spare you all the details (just this once), but in short?  47 seconds later, I was quoting Waiting to Exhale, as in the post title.  I threw my clothes on and got the hell out of there, nearly leaving a Mischa-shaped hole in the wall in my haste to get the fuck out before any other ridiculousness ensued.

I got a text from him the next day:  "Do you feel bad about how far we went?"

Internal monologue:  I...  you...  WHAT?  Are you TWELVE?  Only on the grounds that it was a total waste of my time, and forty seven seconds of my life that I'll never get back.  Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and the fucking camel, dude.
Actual response: Um, no.

NEXT.

Introductory Email

"Wow

Even if you are not attracted to me can we still be friends?"

 

Well, thank you for both the compliment and the (tragically rare) self awareness.  But... no.  I'm open to any number of possibilities, but a "friendship" with someone with whom I have nothing in common isn't really on that list. 

In summary:  weird, but not an ass about it, so it could have been worse!

Introductory Email

"Hey you!
having a good day?"

Why yes, my day is lovely, dear friend, thank you so much for asking!  What's that?  You're not a dear friend?  You're some random stray on a dating website trying to assume the sale?  NEXT.

Introductory Email

"Hi

Love to talk see what fits where. 440686$ Sales hub? Can you sell icecubes to esquimos or sand to a shiiek? [name deleted]" 

 

I...  You... What?   

I can't decide if this one is email number one of some bizarre foreign financial bilking scheme, or if there's a code I'm supposed to be decrypting here and failing miserably.  I'm actually going to respond to him, asking for the code key, if only in the event that another future suitor uses the same one!  Stay tuned, Dear Readers.

Introductory Email

"Ok i must admit i love the pic when ur getting out ot the pool, and no its not because of ur flora printed top im sure it was something else.....Just not sure what...anywho hit me up somtime if u would like to chat...."

My girls are real and they are spectacular, and it's okay to check them out - I wouldn't post a picture in a bikini top if it weren't.  However, making reference to them in your email makes you a douchebag.   Clumsily attempting an oblique reference to them in your email makes you a douchebag AND a coward, which is not so much a winning combination.

Public service announcement:  asinine and lazy spelling and (lack of) punctuation such as displayed above is not attractive, and an approach containing same is doomed to failure with anyone worth catching.  On the other hand, it is an excellent "Danger, Will Robinson!" warning sign, and for that, professor, I thank you.

Introductory Email

"hey girl wasup????"

Not your stock in my mental portfolio, but thank you for asking!

Introductory Email

"Nice body. I'd be curious what you look like as a blonde. Any tatts?"


Why, thank you, kind sir!  Sadly, no, I do not at this time have any body art, but perhaps you could inspire me to add some with a second email whose eloquence matches that of this first masterpiece?

One side note WRT your profile, if I may:  "conscience" and "conscious" are not so much interchangeable.